Starting School: 5 Mistakes Parents Make

I vividly remember my son's first days in Reception - not a happy time.  He cried every day for weeks, and so did I!  Much later we realised he was short-sighted and needed specs, which must have added to his sense of bewilderment. That was just one of my mistakes - here are a few more And how to avoid them!

*Don't expect your little one to tell you all about their day

Of course you're dying to hear!  But don't feel hurt if they don't answer your questions. Be patient: your child will be tired - and the information will trickle out in the end! 

But it's worth bearing in mind that this is a tough adjustment for any parent:  accepting that your child now has his own separate world.  

You could try this:  

Get involved by helping in the classroom or with school outings. It's a great way to get to know the other kids - and the teachers. 

But ultimately you have to accept your child's growing independence - it's a cause for celebration, after all!


* Don't beat yourself up

If you don't achieve huge amounts while they're at school.  At first the hours between dropping up and picking up feel like an eternity, but before you know it your child will be home for tea.

You could try this: 
Allow yourself a period of adjustment, to take stock of what you want to achieve. Make a realistic list of a things you'd like to do by the end of term. 

* Don't regret what you haven’t done

Many parents in my book felt they hadn’t spent enough time playing with their children - they'd been too busy to simply enjoy them.  This was just as common among full-time mums as working mothers.

You could try this:

Dig out old photos, which will remind you how much fun you had - as well as peeling potatoes and sorting socks.

And talk to your partner and friends about their memories.

Remember, you'll still have plenty of time together in the evenings and at weekends.

* Don't assume your partner isn't feeling sad too 

Even if his or her daily routine isn't affected as much as yours. 


You could try this: 

Talk to each other about how you feel about this big transition, which is likely to be a mix of pride, anxiety, hope  - as well as sadness - and don't assume he or she will dismiss your feelings as silly.  

* Don't ignore your other children's feelings

A younger child will probably miss their sibling too, especially in the first few weeks. 

They may also be a bit  jealous of their sibling’s exciting new life at school - even the uniform! 



You could try this:

Make sure they have some new kit of their own: a special pencil case, a drawing book. You could choose it together. 

Emphasise the positives: having more time on your own together.
Plan some outings.  They'll  love having more of your attention!

'US' - the perfect read for Empty Nesters

'Last summer, a short time before my son was due to leave home for college, my wife woke me in the middle of the night…
"I think our marriage has run its course. I think I want to leave you."'

Empty nest crisis

This is the cracking start of David Nicholls' follow-up to One Day.  Us is a painfully familiar portrait of a family on the brink of a massive empty nest crisis and a father on the verge of breaking down.  That sounds deadly serious, but it's funny too, and that's probably why it hits home so hard.

Fathers and sons

What I loved most is the honest portrayal of the agonising relationship between father and son.  And the acknowledgement that it's not just mothers who feel the impact of the empty nest.  This dad is totally thrown by it.

RECLAIM BRIXTON: A LOCAL VIEW

Should I throw my kids' stuff out?

Empty nest decluttering

I've just been on BBC Radio Sheffield's breakfast show to talk about a new survey. Huge numbers of  empty nest parents get rid of their children's stuff as soon as they leave home, apparently.

My gut reaction is No! Please don't do it!  Adult children need their own nest to come back to when life gets tough.  Their old stuff is a kind of dependable comfort blanket.   I'll never give away my son's old Tintins - much as I'd like the shelf space -  because he always heads straight for them when he comes home.  And I confess I've even got a battery-operated toy poodle from my own childhood.

The liberation of the empty nest

It took me a couple of years to clear out my kids' rooms.  It didn't help that they weren't keen on the idea,  and it felt wrong to chuck out stuff without them.  In fact it became such a touchy subject that  I used to spring it on them in a kind of 'While you're here would you mind  …?' kind of way.  That was a big mistake - I now know that I should have given them warning. The way I did it everyone just got tetchy.

But it still felt good.  The time was right:  I'd got through the initial sadness and nostalgia and was ready for the next stage.  Now I love having my own workroom, with my own books on the shelves and  no Bob Dylan posters on the walls.  I love having a proper guest room where friends can be comfortable.

Straight down to Farrow & Ball

Parents I interviewed for my book felt the same. One mother was itching to decorate her sitting room and buy a new sofa, but felt there was no point until her messy boomerang boys finally left.  Her sense of frustration was palpable.  As soon as they'd gone it was straight down to Farrow & Ball.

The important thing is that kids - however old they are, and even when they've got families of their own -  feel there'll always be an emotional place for them at home.

Madonna's empty nest blues

It's so great that Madonna has spoken out about her deep sadness when Lourdes left home for uni. 
She said it  was like 'the first heartbreak of my life…..I would go in her bedroom and lie on her bed and cry.  
'I was a mess. It was really hard letting her go. I've come to terms with it but yes, I miss her and she's a part of me. It was like losing my arm.' 

The empty nest affects us all

Madonna must be one of the busiest women on the planet.  And she's probably the last person you'd expect to admit to being so upset.  But just like the rest of us she couldn't stop worrying about whether Lourdes was eating enough and getting enough sleep - and whether her daughter had enough towels and Q Tips!

It's proof - not that we needed it! -  that it's not just stay-at-home mums who are affected when their kids leave.

An Image of the Empty Nest

by printmaker Carol Wilhide

Says it all really!

Great Sex for Empty Nest Couples

No sex to great sex

It's the empty nesters' most common complaint: things have gone a bit quiet - totally silent, even! - in the bedroom.

The years of raising teenagers inevitably take their toll.  It's said that parents put their own lives on hold when their kids are adolescent and exploring their emerging sexuality.

You'd think that once the kids move out it would be easy to get back to the way you were ….But that's not the case. Once you get out of the habit of regular sex it's difficult to get back into it.
For most couples it takes time, effort and sensitivity.

Sex matters

But it's worth giving it your best shot.  There are two obvious reasons:

1.  When sex is good it's life-enhancing, confidence-boosting, a great form of communication.
2.  If you and your partner aren't having much sex, the chances are that one of you will have an affair. 

The good news is that empty nest couples have many advantages which mean that sex can be better than it's ever been - even better than when they first got together:

•  They've got more time, and they're less exhausted by the demands of young children.
•  At this age many women  experience the fabulous surge of energy and increased libido known as Post Menopausal Zest (PMZ - it's all down to levels of testosterone).
• Mature sex with a partner you've loved for years can reach dizzy new heights. 
• No need for contraception is more liberating than you might think.

So here are a few tips:

How to get your sex life back

• Ask yourself whether you miss sex, and answer honestly! Think back to how you felt about life generally when your sex life was good.

• Take no notice of what anyone else says about sex not being important at this age, whether it's a friend or a magazine article.  If it matters to you, it matters.

• Be patient:  a woman's body may take time to remember how good sex can feel.

• Stop seeing yourself as 'just' a mum.  Treat yourself to new clothes and silk underwear - La Perla (in your dreams) or Rosie at M & S (more realistic but still romantic).

• Imagine your partner has just told you they've had an affair. How would you feel? It's often annoyingly true that if someone else fancies your spouse it's a terrible turn on (and just think:  imagining how it might feel is so much better than facing the reality).

• Talking about sex is difficult - too often it's become the elephant in the (bed)room. A good way to broach the subject is to mention an article you've read - such as Revealed: the secret to an enduring sex life (The Independent)  or How to connect with your partner once the kids have left.

• But there's nothing like being direct: take a deep breath, a swig of wine and take the plunge: Just say how great your sex life used to be and you miss it and you'd like to talk about ways of getting it back.

• Buy a sex book and look at it on your own  - and then together. If you're one of the original Joy of Sex generation, fish out your old copy, or buy Susan Quilliam's updated version. It could be a lighthearted way to kickstart a conversation about the way things used to be, and what you'd like to get back. Betty Herbert's 52 Seductions is good too.

• Watch a sexy film - either on your own or together. It doesn't have to be full-frontal.  Choose a movie you like, not something that's billed as 'sexy'. (For me that's Silver Linings Playbook rather than 50 Shades).

• Might be worth trying a supplement like Libido Support from the Natural Health Practice endorsed by the women's health expert Dr Marilyn Glenville.

• Sex therapists are there to help.  If your partner is reluctant, go by yourself - they'll soon get curious.