Thoughts for Father's Day

Father's Day on Sunday, not a day we remember very enthusiastically in our fam, either now, or when I was growing up.  But it does make me think about dads and the empty nest, and how, when I was writing my book, I totally bought into the idea that fathers feel their children leaving just as much as mums - albeit in different ways.

I interviewed loads of dads, like wonderful Charlie from the Fatherhood Institute, who went on a kind of  extended bender when his daughters left - an inspiration to us all about getting the most out of life.   All of them felt their children leaving deeply, and thought long and hard about the impact on their lives, and the crisis it could precipitate.

Yet I failed to see what was going on under my nose, and how my own husband was feeling about our kids going.  Perhaps I was just too wrapped up in my own sadness.  But in my own defence I have to say that like a lot of men, my husband doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve - and I felt he was faintly critical of my own frank emotions about the kids going.  By contrast he was resolutely positive: every time I whined he'd say how proud he was that they were making their way in the world. Looking back that's just what the kids - and I - needed him to say.

It was only when I interviewed him for a feature about Dads and the Empty Nest for the Daily Mail http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail that I realised how it had got to him. He said he felt redundant: it used to be 'Dad! Dad!'  as soon as he walked through the door from work, but now the house was silent.  Our three kids going had changed his life in a way he hadn't anticipated, and perhaps still didn't acknowledge.
       
So it's worth remembering that some of the finest writing about the Empty Nest comes not from women - perhaps because we just think it's par for the course - but from male writers, like  J.G. Ballard: 'But childhood has gone, and in the silence one stares at the empty whisky bottles in the pantry and wonders if any number of drinks will fill the void.'

Brilliant Observer article

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/may/20/empty-nest-parents-nicci-gerrard


This brilliant piece, 'What will you feel when you have no children left to wave goodbye to?' by novelist Nicci Gerrard says it all.
I love: 'This empty-nest syndrome is a form of happiness. It's an ache of love, a good and proper sadness.' And even better:   'It feels important to be reckless, selfish and young again - open to change.'

Still can't bear to clear out their rooms....

My daughter's been back at uni for three weeks now, but I still can't bear to empty her ashtray. It sits in a corner of the kitchen,  conjuring up an instant reminder of her sitting there playing the guitar and chatting and generally hanging about.  I know it sounds sluttish, and even I can see that old fag ends are disgusting. And of course I wish she didn't smoke. But......
  I haven't tidied her room either.  My eldest's room is full of junk too, and he moved out eight years ago!  Even though I'd love his room to work in, or make it nice for visitors - even another lodger! -  I just can't bear to ask him to clear it out. When that happens it will be a breakthrough of sorts, but in the meantime I suppose I'll just carry on shoving his stuff into a corner.

The Boomerang Generation bites back!

'Cuckoo in the Nest: 28 and back with mum and dad'  by Nat Luurtsema (Hodder & Stoughton)  is a 20-something's  account of moving back home.    Nat is a gimlet-eyed stand-up comic and some of the domestic detail is blush-makingly familiar.  But it's always good to see the other side. The chances are that it's harder for them than it is for you.

Ultimately it's positive; Nat reckons the experience made her relationship with her parents more equal. That's what I like to think too...

But perhaps that's because she was only back home for a matter of months.... unlike so many Boomerang kids.  Not sure my Adam and Alice feel as positive about being back with mum n dad post uni...

You haven't got an empty nest!

'But you haven't got an empty nest!'  people often say  accusingly when they find out about the subject of my book. Strictly speaking they're right. My eldest child left seven years ago, my youngest left last year,  and just as I was gearing up to a totally empty nest  my middle child came back to live at home.
But as far as I'm concerned the empty nest isn't just that single event, when all the kids have gone. It's just as painful when each child leaves, because it's the individual relationships you miss, not necessarily 'the children' as a whole.

In any case, the empty nest is a pretty fluid experience for most parents these days. Adult kids come and go, and you're never quite sure when they've left  for good.  So for parents that is yet another emotional rollercoaster.  Of course not all parents are thrilled to have their kids moving back home, but either way they have to get used to living with uncertainty.