Madonna's empty nest blues

It's so great that Madonna has spoken out about her deep sadness when Lourdes left home for uni. 
She said it  was like 'the first heartbreak of my life…..I would go in her bedroom and lie on her bed and cry.  
'I was a mess. It was really hard letting her go. I've come to terms with it but yes, I miss her and she's a part of me. It was like losing my arm.' 

The empty nest affects us all

Madonna must be one of the busiest women on the planet.  And she's probably the last person you'd expect to admit to being so upset.  But just like the rest of us she couldn't stop worrying about whether Lourdes was eating enough and getting enough sleep - and whether her daughter had enough towels and Q Tips!

It's proof - not that we needed it! -  that it's not just stay-at-home mums who are affected when their kids leave.

An Image of the Empty Nest

by printmaker Carol Wilhide

Says it all really!

Great Sex for Empty Nest Couples

No sex to great sex

It's the empty nesters' most common complaint: things have gone a bit quiet - totally silent, even! - in the bedroom.

The years of raising teenagers inevitably take their toll.  It's said that parents put their own lives on hold when their kids are adolescent and exploring their emerging sexuality.

You'd think that once the kids move out it would be easy to get back to the way you were ….But that's not the case. Once you get out of the habit of regular sex it's difficult to get back into it.
For most couples it takes time, effort and sensitivity.

Sex matters

But it's worth giving it your best shot.  There are two obvious reasons:

1.  When sex is good it's life-enhancing, confidence-boosting, a great form of communication.
2.  If you and your partner aren't having much sex, the chances are that one of you will have an affair. 

The good news is that empty nest couples have many advantages which mean that sex can be better than it's ever been - even better than when they first got together:

•  They've got more time, and they're less exhausted by the demands of young children.
•  At this age many women  experience the fabulous surge of energy and increased libido known as Post Menopausal Zest (PMZ - it's all down to levels of testosterone).
• Mature sex with a partner you've loved for years can reach dizzy new heights. 
• No need for contraception is more liberating than you might think.

So here are a few tips:

How to get your sex life back

• Ask yourself whether you miss sex, and answer honestly! Think back to how you felt about life generally when your sex life was good.

• Take no notice of what anyone else says about sex not being important at this age, whether it's a friend or a magazine article.  If it matters to you, it matters.

• Be patient:  a woman's body may take time to remember how good sex can feel.

• Stop seeing yourself as 'just' a mum.  Treat yourself to new clothes and silk underwear - La Perla (in your dreams) or Rosie at M & S (more realistic but still romantic).

• Imagine your partner has just told you they've had an affair. How would you feel? It's often annoyingly true that if someone else fancies your spouse it's a terrible turn on (and just think:  imagining how it might feel is so much better than facing the reality).

• Talking about sex is difficult - too often it's become the elephant in the (bed)room. A good way to broach the subject is to mention an article you've read - such as Revealed: the secret to an enduring sex life (The Independent)  or How to connect with your partner once the kids have left.

• But there's nothing like being direct: take a deep breath, a swig of wine and take the plunge: Just say how great your sex life used to be and you miss it and you'd like to talk about ways of getting it back.

• Buy a sex book and look at it on your own  - and then together. If you're one of the original Joy of Sex generation, fish out your old copy, or buy Susan Quilliam's updated version. It could be a lighthearted way to kickstart a conversation about the way things used to be, and what you'd like to get back. Betty Herbert's 52 Seductions is good too.

• Watch a sexy film - either on your own or together. It doesn't have to be full-frontal.  Choose a movie you like, not something that's billed as 'sexy'. (For me that's Silver Linings Playbook rather than 50 Shades).

• Might be worth trying a supplement like Libido Support from the Natural Health Practice endorsed by the women's health expert Dr Marilyn Glenville.

• Sex therapists are there to help.  If your partner is reluctant, go by yourself - they'll soon get curious.

Will the worrying ever stop?

Anxiety and the empty nest

One unexpected advantage of the empty nest is that you worry less about your children.  At least I do, most of the time. And that's been a huge relief, because when they were growing up my imagination ran riot with images of muggings and life-threatening illness and fatal car crashes. These days I relish not waiting for their key to turn in the lock; I like not having their lifestyle in my face.

Of course all those nightmarish possibilities haven't gone away. And there are new worries. Will they ever find a job they love? And every parents' eternal anxiety: are they happy?

But two things have changed:
(1)  I've learned that my children can cope without me, even in the most difficult situations.  Indeed they  cope just as well -  if not better - than I would.

(2)  These days I don't usually hear about the bad stuff until it's too late to do anything.  It's still horrible to be shown selfies of my son's gory eye injury, but much easier to deal with now that it's healed up.  I would much rather hear about scrapes and scares after the event - although I admit they come back to haunt me if I let them.  I do my best not to.

Parenting panic 

It's almost as if I've got out of the habit of worrying.  And that can make panic moments harder to deal with.  Because crises invariably happen when you least expect them.

Just as you're learning to believe that no news really does mean good news, and you're starting to enjoy having more time and energy for yourself,  the  phone rings.  There you are, updating your website/ sitting on a Greek beach/having lunch with a friend and it's Alice in a panic from Cambodia. She's lost everything: passport, money, phone…..The line goes dead and there's no way of contacting her,  no way of knowing how it happened: was she attacked? Is she hurt? The next 24 hours are a  nightmare.

In these circs you have no alternative but to drop everything.  Even if there's not much you can do practically, it's pretty impossible to concentrate on anything until you know they're safe.
But there are plenty of less serious situations where it's a much tougher call to know what to do: Drop everything to help? Let them sort things out themselves?

Parents: be selfish!

And sometimes the best thing is to be selfish - to put your own needs, and (just as important) your partner's needs, first.  That's hard to believe (it's hard for me even to write!) because being selfish and being a parent just don't go together.  But parents are allowed to be selfish once the kids have left. It's our time.

Empty nesters' new juggling act

But this new juggling act is perhaps the most difficult one yet: how to forge our own new direction, and learn to live without our children, while still being there for them when they need us.

It took me a long time to get the hang of this. At first I lived my life like a swimming pool lifeguard, lurking around at home just in case I was needed.  My own life was on hold, and that was frustrating.

Then I remembered something one of the wise mums in my book said:  'I know my children are going to get into scrapes.  But I also think they've got the emotional toolbox to cope.'
 And I realised it was time to put myself and my husband's needs at the top of the list.

Tips: How to stop worrying

Drop everything when they're in trouble, of course. But don't change course for minor stuff.  Children learn and grow from making mistakes - our job now they've flown the nest is to let them.

Think hard about your partner's needs, and talk to each other about this new phase of your relationship.

Trust your child and the way you've brought them up.

Try and see them as an outsider would: as an independent, capable adult.

Don't put off booking holidays or weekends away just in case a child might need you.

It's far better to cancel or postpone once in a while than it is not to do stuff at all.

Be spontaneous.

 If you find yourself making excuses not to do something you'd enjoy, question them. Ask yourself why not?

Bank of Mum and Dad

A new study into student finances from Experian shows that the vast majority of parents - 79% - have to support their children financially while they're at uni, with some families contributing over  £5,000.  More than two-thirds of us have bailed our children out with cash in an emergency.

Empty nest freedom? 

That's hardly surprising, given the recent hike in fees and the rise in accommodation and other living costs. But what's worrying for  parents is that it's hard to put a finger on how much it's all going to cost.  Many parents seriously underestimate how much they'll have to cough up over the next three or four years.   Just as we were hoping to have a bit of spare cash to make the most of this new stage of our lives, we still have to tighten our belts.

Student independence

For students the university years are a stepping stone to full independence, and learning to live within a budget is part of that.   For parents it's a sometimes nerve-racking phase where they have to let their children make their own mistakes, but  always be ready to pick up the pieces if things go pear-shaped.  The dilemma for parents is knowing when to help and when to let your child get on with it.  If a child runs up huge debts, or a vast phone bill,  should we pay off their overdraft?  

Before your child goes to uni it's a good idea to sit down and discuss how much you can afford to help if they can't make ends meet. If they've already gone, find a quiet time when they next come home.   They need to know that while you're willing to help as much as you can, the bank of mum and dad is not a bottomless pit.  They could get a job to supplement their income - ideally in the holidays, not in term time.  

 How you can help your student manage their cash

•  There's no harm in asking how your child's bank balance is going. Just don't go on about it!
•  Make it clear that they can come to you for help without losing face. And that it's best to talk to you before things get out of hand - and they get desperate. 
•  If you do have to bail them out, and it's a situation that could have been avoided,  sit down together and work out  how to prevent it happening again.
•  Go through the budget together, looking at where they could make savings.
•  Make sure they know which big bills they need to keep money back for. The electricity bill can be a nasty surprise if you've never had to pay one before. 
• Think twice about paying for their phone - tempting though it is. Students need to learn how much of their budget a phone -and all the other necessities of life -  take up.

Marriage and the empty nest

The biggest worry for couples whose kids are leaving home is whether their relationship will survive.
It's understandable: for years the children have been the glue that binds, as well as a good excuse to deny any problems between you.

When you're bringing up kids you just blast on, day after day.  There are few opportunities to stand back and think about your relationship, and before you know it small problems have become the elephant in the room, too big to talk about.  Parents need to be able to take something for granted, and it's usually our partner.

Marriage crisis? 

Then suddenly the kids have gone and one of you  - perhaps both of you - thinks,  Is that all there is?
It's a crisis for many couples.
But a crisis can be hugely positive, an opportunity for growth, a chance to talk properly, perhaps for the first time in years.  And without the kids the romance between you can blossom once again - although the chances are that after all this time it will need a bit of nurturing! There was a feature in The Independent this week about the romance of later-life weddings - in which I talked about my experience of marrying my partner after  37 years together (well, we wanted to be sure …!)
And here are a few tips I've picked up along the way:

How to rekindle the Spark

• Go on holiday. Just the two of you, no friends, no kids. 
• Don't give up on sex.  If you need a bit of a reminder Sex expert Suzi Godson's site is packed with good advice.  So is relationship expert  Andrew Marshall's.  He's written a great book on keeping sex alive in long-term relationships, Make Love Like a Prairie Vole (prairie voles mate for life!).
• Do something new and challenging together. A bike ride? Ice skating? Tango lessons? 
• Root out the old tunes and dance round the kitchen together.
• Suggest outings that are romantic to you - a walk in the moonlight,  a concert, a boat on the river.
• Don't just flop in front of the telly every night.  Have a game of poker, do the crossword, go to the pub.

Good reads for empty nesters

I don't only read novels about the empty nest!   But it's a thrill when you find the subject touched on with great sensitivity and insight, as in these two novels.

Insights and echoes for empty nesters

The first is Olive Kitteridge by the Pullitzer prize-winning writer Elizabeth Strout.  In one of the stories that make up this wonderful novel, it's the father, not the mother, who suffers most from his sons leaving. It precipitates a crisis which threatens to shatter his marriage. Here's a taste:

'He had thought Bonnie might have a bad empty-nest time of it, that he’d have to watch out for her. He knew, everyone knew, of at least one family these days where the kids grew up and the wife just took off,  lickety-split. But Bonnie seemed calmer, full of a new energy…...

Something else happened the year Derrick went off to college. While their bedroom life had slowed considerably, Harmon had accepted this, had sensed for some time that Bonnie was “accommodating” him. But one night he turned to her in bed, and she pulled away. After a long moment she said quietly, “Harmon, I think I’m just done with that stuff.”'

 

'Brooklyn' - a story of Emigration

It's hard for any parent when a child moves an ocean away - as I discovered recently when talking to parents at the American School in London. But in the fifties, when Brooklyn is set,  a time when there was no Skype, and phoning home cost an arm and a leg, it was much, much harder for parents. And it was hard for kids too - it still is. 

The second novel, Brooklyn by Colm Toibin,  is at times an unbearably sad story about emigrating,  written from the adult child's point of view (surprisingly not often heard in empty nest discussions).