Nostalgic for your children's childhoods? Talk to a new mum

If the smell of banana sandwiches makes you come over all dewy-eyed about your children's childhoods,  try talking to a new mum. It's a great reality check.

I met one the other day.  OK, her baby looked adorable, and I envy her in so many ways: that mad besotted love, the burst of creativity, the way life's possibilities stretch ahead limitlessly.

But in so many other ways I really don't envy her: working on deadlines into the wee small hours, snatching a few hours' sleep before the 5 am feed,  boxing and coxing with your partner instead of being romantic,  searching for good childcare.  Never mind the heart-wrenching anxiety when your child gets ill.

Having babies and small children was the best time of my life - no question.  It made me what I am,  it informs everything I do and think.  I know how lucky I am to have had that time.

When my children first left I felt hopelessly nostalgic for their toddlerhood,  full of regret for all the things I did and didn't do.  I still do, a bit.  But I really really wouldn't want to go back there.

What can you do when you're feeling blue?

There are bound to be bad days  -  days when you miss your child desperately and mourn the end of family life.   Nothing can distract you, and the idea of having more time to yourself is no compensation at all.
Facing that stark emptiness is hard. Here's how I coped: simple steps, but they got me through:

JUST KEEP SWIMMING, NEMO

• Think of a simple activity you can rely on to make you feel better,  and make time for it every day. If nothing springs to mind, it's worth reflecting on  - look back to what you enjoyed as a child for clues.  
• Get a pile of DVDs you really want to watch (no duffers) and get stuck in.
• Make playlists of tunes that make you sad and tunes that make you happy. Alternate between the two. 
• Do something you can do on auto-pilot that's creative: for me that's knitting, baking a cake and rag-rugging. Or maybe one of those adult colouring books and Magic/Classic FM?   
• Listen to Radio 4 dramas
• Write your diary. 
• Swim
• Compile a book of inspiring quotes.  My favourite is from Nile Rodgers of disco legends Chic.    When asked how he coped with cancer Rodgers quoted Finding Nemo.  'When life gets you down you know what you've got to do: Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming….Just keep swimming….'

Do students need workshops on sexual consent?

Oxford and Cambridge introduced compulsory workshops for new students last year, and other universities are following suit.  I've just joined a discussion on BBC Radio Sheffield, which heard some alarming experiences from students who'd been groped, even raped.

Their stories are backed up by a series of studies by the National Union of Students which found that one in four students suffer unwelcome sexual advances. Meanwhile a report published in 2013 by the Ministry of Justice, the Home Office and the ONS said that female students are at higher risk of sexual violence than the general population.

A new worry for parents

It's worrying for parents left behind at home, coping with the uncomfortable notion that our job's done and from now on we have to let our kids make their own mistakes - a scary prospect.   It's hard not to think about all the conversations you should have had about sex, all those missed opportunities.

I suspect I'm not the only parent who has never had a conversation about sexual consent with any of my kids - my sons or daughter.  For us Brits it's difficult to talk about sex, but in this context it feels like a poor excuse.
Because  Freshers' Week seems a bit late for this discussion: surely consent should be part of sex education - at school and with parents - when kids are still at home.

Things getting tense in your nearly-empty nest? Here's how to cope

A friend once said her son had to 'trash the nest'  before he could leave it - and her.   For months before he left home he was bolshy and rude  - a far cry from the adoring toddler who sobbed his heart out whenever she left him.

So when her son finally got his own place she was glad to see the back of him.  At the same time she felt guilty and sad that they'd parted on such bad terms.

She's not alone.  Tension is par for the course in the final weeks before kids leave home.  Yet it's easy to feel you're the only one,  that other families are happily bonding over shopping trips for mugs and duvets. By contrast you're snappy, sulky and eating meals in silence.  And always there's the horrible feeling that time is running out - it seems such a waste of precious last days together.

It helps to take a long-term view.    You're almost certain to find you get on a lot better when you don't have to do their laundry and remind them to do their homework/wear a bike helmet.  University is great at making kids appreciate home - and their parents.   It won't be too long before it's a relationship  between two adults.

My friend's son who trashed the nest now gets on like a house on fire with his mum.  She looks back on the trauma of him leaving home as what it was - a blip in their relationship. Temporary, although at the time she thought it would never end.

And remember, you're not the only one feeling anxious and unsure about the future. Behind that cool facade your son or daughter is probably just as nervous as you.

 You're both stepping out of your comfort zone, but you, at least, are staying on familiar territory.

HOW TO AVOID ARGUMENTS

• Don't be offended if your son or daughter is never at home. They've got a lot of goodbyes to say to friends/girlfriends/boyfriends. 
• Arrange a farewell dinner - somewhere they want to go.  Agree on a time that suits everyone
• If they're anxious or unconfident stress the positives about uni without piling on the pressure. 
• Acknowledge their achievement in getting a place (just not in front of mates or sibs, obvs)
• Don't just focus on their needs. Make plans for your own future: indulgent treats and nights out to cheer you up when you miss them, weekends away, evening classes.

Starting School: 5 Mistakes Parents Make

I vividly remember my son's first days in Reception - not a happy time.  He cried every day for weeks, and so did I!  Much later we realised he was short-sighted and needed specs, which must have added to his sense of bewilderment. That was just one of my mistakes - here are a few more And how to avoid them!

*Don't expect your little one to tell you all about their day

Of course you're dying to hear!  But don't feel hurt if they don't answer your questions. Be patient: your child will be tired - and the information will trickle out in the end! 

But it's worth bearing in mind that this is a tough adjustment for any parent:  accepting that your child now has his own separate world.  

You could try this:  

Get involved by helping in the classroom or with school outings. It's a great way to get to know the other kids - and the teachers. 

But ultimately you have to accept your child's growing independence - it's a cause for celebration, after all!


* Don't beat yourself up

If you don't achieve huge amounts while they're at school.  At first the hours between dropping up and picking up feel like an eternity, but before you know it your child will be home for tea.

You could try this: 
Allow yourself a period of adjustment, to take stock of what you want to achieve. Make a realistic list of a things you'd like to do by the end of term. 

* Don't regret what you haven’t done

Many parents in my book felt they hadn’t spent enough time playing with their children - they'd been too busy to simply enjoy them.  This was just as common among full-time mums as working mothers.

You could try this:

Dig out old photos, which will remind you how much fun you had - as well as peeling potatoes and sorting socks.

And talk to your partner and friends about their memories.

Remember, you'll still have plenty of time together in the evenings and at weekends.

* Don't assume your partner isn't feeling sad too 

Even if his or her daily routine isn't affected as much as yours. 


You could try this: 

Talk to each other about how you feel about this big transition, which is likely to be a mix of pride, anxiety, hope  - as well as sadness - and don't assume he or she will dismiss your feelings as silly.  

* Don't ignore your other children's feelings

A younger child will probably miss their sibling too, especially in the first few weeks. 

They may also be a bit  jealous of their sibling’s exciting new life at school - even the uniform! 



You could try this:

Make sure they have some new kit of their own: a special pencil case, a drawing book. You could choose it together. 

Emphasise the positives: having more time on your own together.
Plan some outings.  They'll  love having more of your attention!

'US' - the perfect read for Empty Nesters

'Last summer, a short time before my son was due to leave home for college, my wife woke me in the middle of the night…
"I think our marriage has run its course. I think I want to leave you."'

Empty nest crisis

This is the cracking start of David Nicholls' follow-up to One Day.  Us is a painfully familiar portrait of a family on the brink of a massive empty nest crisis and a father on the verge of breaking down.  That sounds deadly serious, but it's funny too, and that's probably why it hits home so hard.

Fathers and sons

What I loved most is the honest portrayal of the agonising relationship between father and son.  And the acknowledgement that it's not just mothers who feel the impact of the empty nest.  This dad is totally thrown by it.

RECLAIM BRIXTON: A LOCAL VIEW