Will the worrying ever stop?

Anxiety and the empty nest

One unexpected advantage of the empty nest is that you worry less about your children.  At least I do, most of the time. And that's been a huge relief, because when they were growing up my imagination ran riot with images of muggings and life-threatening illness and fatal car crashes. These days I relish not waiting for their key to turn in the lock; I like not having their lifestyle in my face.

Of course all those nightmarish possibilities haven't gone away. And there are new worries. Will they ever find a job they love? And every parents' eternal anxiety: are they happy?

But two things have changed:
(1)  I've learned that my children can cope without me, even in the most difficult situations.  Indeed they  cope just as well -  if not better - than I would.

(2)  These days I don't usually hear about the bad stuff until it's too late to do anything.  It's still horrible to be shown selfies of my son's gory eye injury, but much easier to deal with now that it's healed up.  I would much rather hear about scrapes and scares after the event - although I admit they come back to haunt me if I let them.  I do my best not to.

Parenting panic 

It's almost as if I've got out of the habit of worrying.  And that can make panic moments harder to deal with.  Because crises invariably happen when you least expect them.

Just as you're learning to believe that no news really does mean good news, and you're starting to enjoy having more time and energy for yourself,  the  phone rings.  There you are, updating your website/ sitting on a Greek beach/having lunch with a friend and it's Alice in a panic from Cambodia. She's lost everything: passport, money, phone…..The line goes dead and there's no way of contacting her,  no way of knowing how it happened: was she attacked? Is she hurt? The next 24 hours are a  nightmare.

In these circs you have no alternative but to drop everything.  Even if there's not much you can do practically, it's pretty impossible to concentrate on anything until you know they're safe.
But there are plenty of less serious situations where it's a much tougher call to know what to do: Drop everything to help? Let them sort things out themselves?

Parents: be selfish!

And sometimes the best thing is to be selfish - to put your own needs, and (just as important) your partner's needs, first.  That's hard to believe (it's hard for me even to write!) because being selfish and being a parent just don't go together.  But parents are allowed to be selfish once the kids have left. It's our time.

Empty nesters' new juggling act

But this new juggling act is perhaps the most difficult one yet: how to forge our own new direction, and learn to live without our children, while still being there for them when they need us.

It took me a long time to get the hang of this. At first I lived my life like a swimming pool lifeguard, lurking around at home just in case I was needed.  My own life was on hold, and that was frustrating.

Then I remembered something one of the wise mums in my book said:  'I know my children are going to get into scrapes.  But I also think they've got the emotional toolbox to cope.'
 And I realised it was time to put myself and my husband's needs at the top of the list.

Tips: How to stop worrying

Drop everything when they're in trouble, of course. But don't change course for minor stuff.  Children learn and grow from making mistakes - our job now they've flown the nest is to let them.

Think hard about your partner's needs, and talk to each other about this new phase of your relationship.

Trust your child and the way you've brought them up.

Try and see them as an outsider would: as an independent, capable adult.

Don't put off booking holidays or weekends away just in case a child might need you.

It's far better to cancel or postpone once in a while than it is not to do stuff at all.

Be spontaneous.

 If you find yourself making excuses not to do something you'd enjoy, question them. Ask yourself why not?

Bank of Mum and Dad

A new study into student finances from Experian shows that the vast majority of parents - 79% - have to support their children financially while they're at uni, with some families contributing over  £5,000.  More than two-thirds of us have bailed our children out with cash in an emergency.

Empty nest freedom? 

That's hardly surprising, given the recent hike in fees and the rise in accommodation and other living costs. But what's worrying for  parents is that it's hard to put a finger on how much it's all going to cost.  Many parents seriously underestimate how much they'll have to cough up over the next three or four years.   Just as we were hoping to have a bit of spare cash to make the most of this new stage of our lives, we still have to tighten our belts.

Student independence

For students the university years are a stepping stone to full independence, and learning to live within a budget is part of that.   For parents it's a sometimes nerve-racking phase where they have to let their children make their own mistakes, but  always be ready to pick up the pieces if things go pear-shaped.  The dilemma for parents is knowing when to help and when to let your child get on with it.  If a child runs up huge debts, or a vast phone bill,  should we pay off their overdraft?  

Before your child goes to uni it's a good idea to sit down and discuss how much you can afford to help if they can't make ends meet. If they've already gone, find a quiet time when they next come home.   They need to know that while you're willing to help as much as you can, the bank of mum and dad is not a bottomless pit.  They could get a job to supplement their income - ideally in the holidays, not in term time.  

 How you can help your student manage their cash

•  There's no harm in asking how your child's bank balance is going. Just don't go on about it!
•  Make it clear that they can come to you for help without losing face. And that it's best to talk to you before things get out of hand - and they get desperate. 
•  If you do have to bail them out, and it's a situation that could have been avoided,  sit down together and work out  how to prevent it happening again.
•  Go through the budget together, looking at where they could make savings.
•  Make sure they know which big bills they need to keep money back for. The electricity bill can be a nasty surprise if you've never had to pay one before. 
• Think twice about paying for their phone - tempting though it is. Students need to learn how much of their budget a phone -and all the other necessities of life -  take up.

Marriage and the empty nest

The biggest worry for couples whose kids are leaving home is whether their relationship will survive.
It's understandable: for years the children have been the glue that binds, as well as a good excuse to deny any problems between you.

When you're bringing up kids you just blast on, day after day.  There are few opportunities to stand back and think about your relationship, and before you know it small problems have become the elephant in the room, too big to talk about.  Parents need to be able to take something for granted, and it's usually our partner.

Marriage crisis? 

Then suddenly the kids have gone and one of you  - perhaps both of you - thinks,  Is that all there is?
It's a crisis for many couples.
But a crisis can be hugely positive, an opportunity for growth, a chance to talk properly, perhaps for the first time in years.  And without the kids the romance between you can blossom once again - although the chances are that after all this time it will need a bit of nurturing! There was a feature in The Independent this week about the romance of later-life weddings - in which I talked about my experience of marrying my partner after  37 years together (well, we wanted to be sure …!)
And here are a few tips I've picked up along the way:

How to rekindle the Spark

• Go on holiday. Just the two of you, no friends, no kids. 
• Don't give up on sex.  If you need a bit of a reminder Sex expert Suzi Godson's site is packed with good advice.  So is relationship expert  Andrew Marshall's.  He's written a great book on keeping sex alive in long-term relationships, Make Love Like a Prairie Vole (prairie voles mate for life!).
• Do something new and challenging together. A bike ride? Ice skating? Tango lessons? 
• Root out the old tunes and dance round the kitchen together.
• Suggest outings that are romantic to you - a walk in the moonlight,  a concert, a boat on the river.
• Don't just flop in front of the telly every night.  Have a game of poker, do the crossword, go to the pub.

Good reads for empty nesters

I don't only read novels about the empty nest!   But it's a thrill when you find the subject touched on with great sensitivity and insight, as in these two novels.

Insights and echoes for empty nesters

The first is Olive Kitteridge by the Pullitzer prize-winning writer Elizabeth Strout.  In one of the stories that make up this wonderful novel, it's the father, not the mother, who suffers most from his sons leaving. It precipitates a crisis which threatens to shatter his marriage. Here's a taste:

'He had thought Bonnie might have a bad empty-nest time of it, that he’d have to watch out for her. He knew, everyone knew, of at least one family these days where the kids grew up and the wife just took off,  lickety-split. But Bonnie seemed calmer, full of a new energy…...

Something else happened the year Derrick went off to college. While their bedroom life had slowed considerably, Harmon had accepted this, had sensed for some time that Bonnie was “accommodating” him. But one night he turned to her in bed, and she pulled away. After a long moment she said quietly, “Harmon, I think I’m just done with that stuff.”'

 

'Brooklyn' - a story of Emigration

It's hard for any parent when a child moves an ocean away - as I discovered recently when talking to parents at the American School in London. But in the fifties, when Brooklyn is set,  a time when there was no Skype, and phoning home cost an arm and a leg, it was much, much harder for parents. And it was hard for kids too - it still is. 

The second novel, Brooklyn by Colm Toibin,  is at times an unbearably sad story about emigrating,  written from the adult child's point of view (surprisingly not often heard in empty nest discussions).   

Kids Just Boomeranged back? Ten tips to cope

If your child has just graduated and moved back home, it's as challenging for them as it is for you.
But what no one tells you is that it can also be a wonderful opportunity to get to know each other - and appreciate each other - as adults.

Here are a few tips to keep life sweet (ish).
But first, some common mistakes parents make (I know, I know…..)

MISTAKES BOOMERANG PARENTS MAKE

• Don't do his washing!  Encourage your child to live as independently as possible
• Don't take it to heart if they criticise you for not using organic polenta. Ask them to do a household shop with a budget to understand the choices you make about food.
• Don't forget to discuss the new status quo with your partner. Mothers and fathers often have different views about money, independence -  and apron strings! -  so aim for a united compromise.
• Don't expect to lay down the law.  From now on it's about respecting each other as adults.
• No curfews. Again, this comes down to mutual consideration.

HOW BOOMERANG PARENTS CAN KEEP LIFE SWEET

• Come to an agreement about how long they're likely to stay.  Make it clear the date can be renegotiated when the time's up. Setting a time limit helps overcome the emotional uncertainty parents often find hard - because you don't know when you'll have to say goodbye again.
• Renegotiate ground rules to pre-empt the most common sources of tension: noise and mess.
• Allow each other privacy and space - it's even more important now than when they were teenagers.
• Let each other know when you're going out for the evening or away for the weekend, and give as much warning as you can.
• Work out what's a reasonable financial contribution for them to make.

More advice:

my article 'How to Live with your Boomerang students'  in  High50  Don't Bite Your Tongue by Ruth Nemzoff

Feeling sad about your empty nest? Make something

No skills required!

I recommend this to anyone who is feeling sad about their empty nest: make something. It could be a photo album or a collage of favourite family pics, a patchwork cushion or a rag rug.  You don't have to be good at sewing. The key is that you use clothes your kids once wore (I'm the kind of sad person who can't throw this stuff away, so I've got bagsful), or family photographs and mementoes.

The rag rug I'm  making with my husband - using fabric from the clothes our kids wore when they were younger

Leaving home tradition

It's not a new idea. Apparently it's a tradition in some cultures to give adult children a home-made quilt when they leave home or get married.  The friend who told me about this plans to hide secret messages in the bedcover she's making for her son. That way she can say all the soppy stuff she's too embarrassed to say to his face.  The day he flew off on his gap year she made a photo collage of her son's life, from pregnancy to picnics to teenage parties and hospital visits. She sobbed while she was doing it and felt a lot better afterwards.

Face your empty nest

It's a good way of acknowledging the past - and accepting that it is past  - while creating something for the future. But it's also painful!   Sorting through the toddlers' dresses and teenage T-shirts always makes me feel sad and nostalgic.  You can't help thinking, how did that happen? How did someone who is now  6'2" fit into those stripy leggings his grandma knitted? For me clothes, like scent, trigger memories like nothing else.

Face your new direction

But it's cathartic too - therapeutic, even.  The whole process of sorting and deciding which fabrics to put together is deeply satisfying; it feels like a very positive thing to do.

Create your own heirloom

There are times when it feels a bit self-indulgent.  But when you're facing the empty nest there are times  when you need to indulge your need for a good cry - it  really helps.   And it's not just about wallowing in the past: it's a very practical step forward. It's  a way of coming to terms with the passing of an era, and with your feelings about that, while creating something steeped in memories - an heirloom, even -  which celebrates your child's new direction as well as your own.

If you want to make a rag rug it's dead easy - and there are courses and books to show you how. 

Books: 
More Rag Rugs by Jenni Stuart-Anderson - who also runs fantastic courses 

Making Rag Rugs by Clare Hubbard

Which top ten life skills would you teach at GCSE?

This question was asked on BBC Radio Gloucestershire yesterday, in response to a report just out which recommends a new GCSE in life skills to prepare teenagers for the working world....and, well, for life.
I have my doubts about exams in perseverance, self control, the ability to bounce back from set backs - and all the other so called 'soft skills' the report talks about.  And I'm not sure these things are best learnt in after school clubs -  surely this is the stuff of life -  real, family life with all its ups and downs?

So I reckon it would be much better to teach practical skills - the kind of thing that makes teenagers genuinely self-sufficient, emotionally and otherwise.  OK, I know, why should already overburdened schools have to teach this stuff?  Of course they shouldn't have to. Us parents should be imparting it - just as my dad taught me to paint and decorate and my mum taught me to use a sewing machine. It was part of life.

Here are the top ten skills I wish I'd taught my kids (and failed miserably, mostly)

1.  How to change a plug/fuse and how not to electrocute yourself.

2.  How often to change  sheets and wash  towels.
(One friend of mine was horrified to discover that her daughter hadn't changed her sheets once in the whole of the first term at uni.)

3.   How to clean the bath, cooker etc and which products to use where.

4.  Food hygiene.  Why it's important to clean the chopping board after cutting up raw meat. How to defrost, why you can't refreeze etc. Sell-by dates and when to ignore them

5. How to drive. I'm a rubbish driver myself so I know how important this is.

6.  How to mend clothes

7.  How to feed yourself on £20 a week.

8.  How not to shrink the socks your mum knitted you (OK that was my fault).

9.  How to look after a plant.

10. And last but definitely not least: How to be kind and think of others, especially your mum.